SCHMALFELDT’S SATYRICON: Taking The Concept Of ‘CYA’ To A New Level
Just when you think every possible concept has been conceptualized, every possible product has been produced, every advertising angle has been approached, along comes something new and exciting.
When you first see the advertisement, which my wife pointed out to me in our latest edition of AARP Magazine (she’s 61, and I won’t be 60 until January — just sayin’), you look at the box and wonder what sort of thing could this be? What is a “body liner?” Obviously it’s a euphemism for something, but for what? Then, you read further.
“A new kind of discreet protection for ABL.”
“ABL”? The American Basketball League? What are they talking about? You read further and you suddenly realize that ABL is one of those cute, focus-group tested “short cut” names for a medical condition, like low testosterone is now called “Low-T.” Impotence has been shortened from “erectile dysfunction” to “E.D.” (Which raises another point — if you’re too dim to remember what “erectile dysfunction” is, you probably should not be reproducing.)
ABL? You look further and…
Sweet Lord God in Heaven.
ABL is the new, cute, focus-group tested “short cut” name for “ACCIDENTAL BOWEL LEAKAGE.” (OK, problem with that right away. If you have ANY bowel leakage that is NOT accidental — meaning it was done on purpose — then your problem will not be solved here. Go away.)
So… hold on. What?
- Patented and award winning Butterfly® pads fit comfortably and discreetly in between the buttocks
- Gentle adhesive stays in place for comfortable and secure protection against little bowel leaks
- Butterfly’s wings allow for hygienic removal and its absorbent core provides proven protection
Um… yes, Bill Schmalfeldt with Liberaland here… Uh… is this a real thing?
Yes. It is. All one has to do is riffle through the laundry of anyone over 50 to realize there has long been a need for this product. Any more questions?
Yes. Schmalfeldt again. Uh… how does one apply the… device?
Just read the directions, sir. Any more? OK, you again.
Yeah. Um. Is there like a, you know, safety valve on the thing so after I have the three bean and hot sauce chili Tacorito special, I don’t, you know, just kinda… blow the whole thing outta there?
They have special adhesive strips to hold them in place. We’ll take one more question. No one else? Just the guy from Liberaland? (Sigh!) OK. Shoot.
Yes, thank you. Um, when you’re done with… the device… do you just flush them? Throw them away? Use them for art projects? Or what? And back to the safety valve question. If back pressure builds up during… uh… use of the device… could removing it cause some sort of explosion that would require involvement of the Environmental Protection Agency?
This press conference is over.
Actually, when my wife saw these things (she goes through that AARP magazine like a horde of locusts through a wheat field), she thought they would be cute for little art projects if you colored on them, put little hooks on them, hung them from ledges, as Christmas tree ornaments, or whatever. I suggested saving money on the crayons and just using them as intended, THEN turning them into art projects. She left the room and hasn’t spoken to me since.
But I am not one to “pooh-pooh” something without trying it. Therefore, I, Bill Schmalfeldt, Host of Schmalfeldt’s Satyricon, your Intrepid Reporter, have just sent in the following form from the Butterfly.com website.
OK, hold on there a second. Why do women get two sizes, but there’s only one for men? I used to live in Milwaukee. I happen to KNOW from being a keen observer of the Human Condition that fellas have all shapes and sizes of hiney as well. Why are we locked into one size?
Who knows? Maybe that’s something they’re working on. And if this turns out to be successful, maybe they could come out with special “Designer Butterflies” with little patterns like hearts or ponies, or slogans like “Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” And what about something you could slap on the kid’s tuchis when you don’t want him soiling his didies on a car trip? Or something for the dog that he couldn’t chew off?
She looks like she’s using hers, RIGHT NOW!
And while we’re at it, let’s call the damn thing what it is. Let’s be HONEST with the consumer for once, if you don’t mind.
It is not a “Body Liner.”
It’s a “BOOTY Liner.”
Thank you. There’s no “off” to the genius switch!
[socialpoll id=”2225902″]
Copyright 2014 Liberaland
By: Bill Schmalfeldt
I no longer use Twitter or Facebook because they are evil. I do continue to blog at http://Schmalfeldt.org, where you can get information about other stuff I do, like comedy/parody CDs and MP3 downloads and audiobooks and such. Get yours now. When I'm dead, there will be a drastic price increase.
32 responses to SCHMALFELDT’S SATYRICON: Taking The Concept Of ‘CYA’ To A New Level
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StoneyCurtisll October 9th, 2014 at 11:43
Accidental Bowel leakage…
Isn’t that like when you think you are farting..
And you get an unwelcome surprise?
I wasn’t aware this was an affliction that can be cured with a pill..
Anomaly 100 October 9th, 2014 at 11:52
The elderly suffer from many embarrassing afflictions. It happens.
mea_mark October 9th, 2014 at 11:59
Especially those that drank diet sodas. The artificial sweetener that Rumsfeld had a hand in getting passed through the FDA causes this weakening of the muscles allowing it to happen. Thank you to Donald Rumsfeld.
Anomaly 100 October 9th, 2014 at 12:25
The archive can be found here: http://freakoutnation.com/
I just have a lot of empathy for the elderly. Also, kids. And animals.
mea_mark October 9th, 2014 at 12:29
Thanx and keep people away from diet sodas, the world needs less leakage.
mea_mark October 9th, 2014 at 12:38
I found one of the stories but not the older one that was more thorough. Sent a query to Maynard maybe he has it somewhere too.
M D Reese October 9th, 2014 at 12:24
It happens even more to people of all ages who use artificial sweeteners like sorbitol or fake fats.
tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 12:34
Stop acting all cranky about it!
Anomaly 100 October 9th, 2014 at 13:08
Get offa my lawn!
Khary A October 9th, 2014 at 13:15
HAAAAAA!
StoneyCurtisll October 9th, 2014 at 11:43
Accidental Bowel leakage…
Isn’t that like when you think you are farting..
And you get an unwelcome surprise?
I wasn’t aware this was an affliction that can be cured with a pill..
Anomaly 100 October 9th, 2014 at 11:52
The elderly suffer from many embarrassing afflictions. It happens.
mea_mark October 9th, 2014 at 11:59
Especially those that drank diet sodas. The artificial sweetener that Rumsfeld had a hand in getting passed through the FDA causes this weakening of the muscles allowing it to happen. Thank you to Donald Rumsfeld.
ps. maynard did a good story about this on FON but have no idea how to link to it.
one of the stories http://freakoutnation.com/wordpress/2013/08/19/the-story-of-rummy-and-the-fda-disapproved-aspartame/
Anomaly 100 October 9th, 2014 at 12:25
The archive can be found here: http://freakoutnation.com/
I just have a lot of empathy for the elderly. Also, kids. And animals.
mea_mark October 9th, 2014 at 12:29
Thanx and keep people away from diet sodas, the world needs less leakage.
mea_mark October 9th, 2014 at 12:38
I found one of the stories but not the older one that was more thorough. Sent a query to Maynard maybe he has it somewhere too.
M D Reese October 9th, 2014 at 12:24
It happens even more to people of all ages who use artificial sweeteners like sorbitol or fake fats.
tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 12:34
Stop acting all cranky about it!
Anomaly 100 October 9th, 2014 at 13:08
Get offa my lawn!
The last of the Thousad Sons October 9th, 2014 at 13:15
HAAAAAA!
edmeyer_able October 9th, 2014 at 12:00
My doctor told me to add fiber to my diet, after 2 recommended doses of metamucil yesterday I’m pretty certain I just dropped 15 pounds.
edmeyer_able October 9th, 2014 at 12:00
My doctor told me to add fiber to my diet, after 2 recommended doses of metamucil yesterday I’m pretty certain I just dropped 15 pounds.
M D Reese October 9th, 2014 at 12:23
Why not find out what’s making your butt leak and stop eating it? –I know–crazy talk…
causeican October 9th, 2014 at 18:47
Some had more fun than others.
M D Reese October 9th, 2014 at 12:23
Why not find out what’s making your butt leak and stop eating it? –I know–crazy talk…
causeican October 9th, 2014 at 18:47
Some had more fun than others.
tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 12:35
The Boomers have been having waaaay more fun than I could possibly ever imagined!
tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 12:35
The Boomers have been having waaaay more fun than I could possibly ever imagined!
R.J. Carter October 9th, 2014 at 17:05
So do you get a free one of these every time you eat potato chips made with Olestra? (“May cause anal leakage.”)
R.J. Carter October 9th, 2014 at 17:05
So do you get a free one of these every time you eat potato chips made with Olestra? (“May cause anal leakage.”)
Candide Thirtythree October 12th, 2014 at 18:51
Butterflies…because shart happens?
Candide Thirtythree October 12th, 2014 at 18:51
Butterflies…because shart happens?