Only Chuck Norris Can Make SCOTUS Less Liberal (Satire)

Posted by | April 12, 2010 14:42 | Filed under: Top Stories

by William K. Wolfrum

When Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman recently stated that President Barack Obama needed to nominate a more conservative justice to fill the vacancy created by the resignation of Justice John Paul Stevens, many liberals blanched. After all, the U.S. Supreme Court already is tilted to the right with Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, and Samuel Alito  consistently taking a hard-line conservative approach to cases. Nonetheless, Lieberman sees the Supreme Court as a haven for liberals.

“This is a fascinating moment maybe for all these reasons, acknowledging that the fact that Justice Stevens became the leader of the liberal wing of the Supreme Court, that President Obama may nominate someone in fact who makes the Court slightly less liberal, at least for a while,” Lieberman told Fox News Sunday.

Lieberman’s advice should not be overlooked. With the Tea Party electrifying the U.S. media and up to 25 percent of Americans willing to admit being a Republican, the U.S. is more of a center-right nation than ever before. And with this nomination, Obama has a chance to push the Supreme Court as far to the right as humanly possible. And there’s just one man he can nominate that could make that happen – Chuck Norris.

Now, some may be perplexed at how Norris – a karate-kicking, fringe-right, theocrat with no judicial experience – would be able to handle the awesome responsibilities of the nation’s highest court. The case for a Justice Norris, however, becomes much more clear when you look at the facts:

  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only a man who thinks Gays and Lesbians should have zero rights.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. But this is America so pull yourself up by your bootstraps, produce your own cancer-curing tears and leave Chuck alone.
  • Chuck Norris is so Pro-Life he believes life begins at flirting.
  • Chuck Norris will one day personally defeat the Taliban – the amount of freedoms they allow women offends him.
  • Only Chuck Norris would be able to ask fewer questions than Clarence Thomas.

My friends, facts such as these make it clear that not only does Chuck Norris not need judicial experience in order to be a great Supreme Court Justice, but that it’s flat-out suicidal for you to ask.

Despite the fact that the Roberts-led Supreme Court has consistently levied rulings that showcase a conservative ideology (such as the the Citizens United v. FEC case and the Bong Hits 4 Jesus T-Shirt case), it is time for SCOTUS to be less liberal. At least for a while. And Chuck Norris is the only man alive who could round-house kick any vestige of liberalness completely out of the nation’s top judicial body. Plus, he’s very likely the only potential nominee in the country that the Republicans won’t reflexively filibuster.

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Copyright 2010 Liberaland
By: William K. Wolfrum

I'm a journalist, columnist, humorist, satirist, Dogist and Husbandist

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