The Real Republican Budget Plan (Satire)

By Yashwanth Manjunath

The Paul Ryan budget plan passed recently by House Republicans has received a great deal of attention over the past few weeks for its radical transformation of the American social compact. Under Ryan’s plan, Medicare would be turned into a voucher program for private health insurance, and Medicaid would be turned into a block grant program. The trillions of dollars in savings from those benefit cuts would be used to cut taxes dramatically for the rich and corporations. Needless to say, the plan has turned out to be very unpopular.

However, it turns out that the House Republicans had another more extreme secret budget plan that they really wanted to vote on, but felt might be a bit of a tough marketing sell for those pesky voters they need every two years. I was cleverly able to acquire a copy of the secret Republican budget plan, but am unable to release it to the public for the same reason that Barack Obama cannot release a copy of his real birth certificate from Kenya (it doesn’t actually exist). But I did take the time to outline some of the major points of interest below.

The secret Republican budget would still replace Medicare with a voucher program, but instead of a coupon for private health insurance, seniors would receive a voucher for a handgun. It turns out Alan Grayson (pictured) was right. The plan would save trillions on end-of-life care, without the need for death panels.

Instead of turning Medicaid into a block grant program, Republicans really wanted to replace it with a voucher for bootstraps. The voucher would include the price of boots if Democrats would agree to cut spending in other parts of the budget.

Finally, the savings from Medicare and Medicaid would be used to cut the top marginal tax rate to 0%, and corporate taxes to 0%. After all, rich people and corporations need that money for job creation (195 new Republican jobs in the House of Representatives).

Fortunately, the Republicans eventually gave up on this budget plan because they realized it was a little too radical for the American people. After Jane Corwin’s loss in New York’s heavily Republican 26th Congressional District, I wonder how long it takes for them to give up on Paul Ryan’s plan?

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